Anxiety and feeling overwhelmed is now becoming a constant thing. There is too much to think about and it’s becoming too much to handle lately. Unfortunately, I have to just trudge through it and get it all done. It doesn’t help that I will be in Europe for two weeks next month, and therefore have to finish a lot of schoolwork ahead of time. C’est la vie…
Thesis has not progressed since last post except to say that I have been thinking about implementation in my head. Planning is something I feel I am pretty good at but I also realize it is an on-going process. Whenever I plan something, I try to think of it in its entirety. However, I quickly find out once I start implementing that I will need to plan more or plan a feature in greater detail. As such, these initial notes will change:
But that is what thesis is about. It’s about our practice and about fluidly changing the project as is required.
My sketchbook is not really a sketchbook anymore in a literal sense. I write notes, ideas, anything that comes to my mind and hope that I will be able to realize it all one day. My practice is never-ending because I generate more ideas that I can produce. I am well aware they are not all amazing ideas and some I’ll look at later and think “nah, that’s stupid” but it was an idea at one point. I think when I reflect on this and then think about my practice, I realize that I chase dreams and don’t have anything concrete to say about my practice as a whole. I do whatever comes to my mind and feel the need to constantly create things. If I’m not doing something, I’m not living in a way and that starts to make me antsy and nervous.
Maybe in a way it’s good I put too much on my plate, at least then I’m busy.
I believe I have determined what I will do for my thesis however now I have the problem of what does that mean? I have worked out that I want to do a personal project and something that I don’t feel I will have the time for outside of school (as it is probably very ambitious) so I will make a game about my grandparents and their experiences. This hits close to home and I will probably break a few times while making it but it will be worth my while.
The problem is: it’s just a game. What research and inspirations will I use to make it more meaningful? How do I explain that these things won’t just “help my project” but rather push my project and give the research context? I suppose what I’m worried about is how I make my research focus, focused. In my mind, it is focused, but perhaps that is only because it is a project that is close to my heart. Maybe since it is personal, the research I should count on will need to speak more to my personal experiences than anything else. I still need to use research that speaks to the experience of the player and the mood I want to show however.
Listing the key points in the project might help me organize my thoughts and speak to what research I need to obtain a better insight into how to make this project the best. But is that even the point? Should I make the project the best it can be or should I do the project for the sake of personal development?
Should I do something that follows my career path or that would be an interesting personal project? Should I do something creative or practical? I have several ideas for my thesis but I’m no closer to determining what I will eventually do for it. I find I don’t have the time to even think about it lately, let alone sit down and start researching and planning what I should do. I understand that the process can and, most likely, will change but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a starting point. Being let loose without any constraints makes the process seem a little hopeless because I’m used to creating things within a framework, not left to my own devices.
Maybe it is better to just choose one idea and see how it develops. However, if I do this and it doesn’t go well, do I drop the idea or do I keep with it? The three ideas I have I want to create but should I do them as personal projects or as a thesis project? I think what I should do is combine the problems and go forward with that idea. I think if I did something that was personal but will help me with my career goals it will be the best.